tough stuff

I was really on a role for a several days there wasn’t I? And then i tried to write about something that is a struggle to find words for. At least not without starting to cry. Even now I’m pushing the tears back because i started to think about thinking about it.

What I’m working through is tough because the root of the story isn’t my own. For those of you who don’t know, Courtney lost her full term son just over a month ago shortly after delivery. She is bravely writing here about her life now, and I am in awe of her ability share with such candor, raw truth and especially her humor. She has always been one of the funniest people i know and I am so glad this unfathomable experience hasn’t taken that quality away from her.  Each post bridges the thousands of miles between us and helps me feel a little bit closer to her and I’m am so so grateful for that.

I don’t want anything I say to possibly be interpreted as insensitive to her grief. Since this site was created as a shared space between us I was starting to feel weird about not even mentioning this life altering event and continuing to post about my life as usual. The truth is that not a day goes by that i don’t think about her loss and have to choke back tears. Usually several times. Here they are again.

I don’t have much experience with grief in my own life, and have a tendency to be over affected by stories of lost children I’ve never meant or known the parents of.  This is a whole new level for me because the degrees of separation are not there. I understand that what i’m going through is a drop of water compared to an ocean that Courtney is having to tread in.  It breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do except send her giant teddy bears, and hug my son tighter everyday. So yeah. I might keep being able to write about the good days, and the sleepless nights and my life as it’s being lived. But my thoughts are never far from Courtney and I can’t wait to visit her so I can give her a real hug.

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