As we crawled into bed I told Jason I ended up having a really nice day with Sebastian yesterday. His surprise at that statement made my heart sink.
“It’s just that you seemed so fed up with everything when I was around”
I admitted that the rough start to the morning certainly wasn’t me at my best, but the collage of visions I had added into my mental pin board at the end of the day were happy moments.
Sebastian crawling around the water feature at the park, and banging on stools as drums…
Getting relief from the heat with an afternoon frozen yogurt break, looking forward to the day when we can share a treat…
Endless rounds of peekaboo with my hat, or the curtain, or his blanket…
Meeting daddy outside on the patio with Baz’s walker toy, him dressed in a kimono just for fun.
With Jason’s comments those thoughts quickly switched gears to me crying on the floor in the morning wondering what I was doing wrong, and later in the kitchen trying frantically to get everything I’d somehow prepped during nap time pureed before Baz went to bed. I realized how I looked from their perspective. I get in a zone, and my focus can present itself as frustration. Add to that some reactions from back pain that had crept up on me during the day and I probably looked like a full on looney tune. No wonder he thinks I would hate life as a full time stay at home mom.
“I wish you saw me more in the good moments”
I thought about how Sebastian will grow to react to me in my most frenzied states, and preemptively worried what emotional effect it might have on him. It’s easy to look back and self edit in hind site, but not so easy to be aware in the moment. It would be delusional to think that I will never act stressed or snippy again, or just plain sleep deprived again, so hopefully being more mindful of myself will enable me to perhaps catch the moments a little sooner and soften my edges a bit. But maybe the bottom line is just to still go to bed remembering the good parts of the day, and make sure Jason and Sebastian are able to do the same thing.