Internal struggle

I’ve started getting lost in wishes to be a full time stay at home mom, but is that what I really want? Some days at home with Sebastian are isolating for both of us, and I wonder if being around me all day is even what’s best for him. Of course we play, and go outside when we can, and we spend a lot of time just interacting. But then there are chunks of time where I’m just trying to get something done. Like clean the dishes, or maybe get dinner ready, or call into a conference call. He’s starting to self play, but I always have to keep an eye on him in case he decides to I don’t know, climb the couch he can’t safely get down from on his own again.

It doesn’t help that I have a hard time just relaxing when the shower hasn’t been scrubbed in a while, or the laundry needs to be switched. Quick! Let’s pause peek-a-boo and go fold some towels!  But if I weren’t a working mom there would be more time to do those things. If I didn’t have to check email, and still feel a little bit like I’m working – even on my days off – I think I would feel so much more free.

Would I ever feel like everything is done? Isn’t there always something more to do? This mindset might be why I am a really good worker.  I’d love to have more time to connect with other stay at home mommies and find new friends for Baz. More time to enjoy and explore this city that we live, while we still live here. I probably need to make better use of the time we do have.

Would that be enough for me? The person who went back to checking work emails during 4 am feedings fresh home from the hospital? Who was eager to get back to work before the end of my 6 week maternity leave because I missed using my brain. Am I that person anymore?om, the stay at home mom, working moms at home, stay at home mom, working mothers at home, at home moms,

I think the ideal situation would be to work part-time from home, and have flexible day care provider.  I can get swallowed up by alternatives. The grass is greener syndrome of always wanting what you don’t have. How do you differentiate day dreams vs real life “let’s make this happen” dreams? Does the fantasy ever live up to the reality?

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