you might be the sort of person i don’t want to know

if…

  • you’re just now reading the great gatsby because they’re making a movie version.  coupla things, you troglodyte: 1. if you’re that lazy, there already is a movie.  and it stars robert redford at maybe his hunkiest and sam waterston.  yes!  that guy from law & order wasn’t always jack mccoy, you know.  and mia farrow!  everybody loves mia farrow.  except woody allen.  but who likes him anyway?  i sat through anything else, my good man.  you owe me $7.  2. that book was assigned in high school.  if you didn’t read it then, the ship has sailed.  you might also have missed out on sideways stories from wayside school but now that you’re like 40, you don’t get to go back and give it a shot.  the same goes for all of you who just picked up on the road, life of pi, etc.  you’re gross.
  • you speak to nail technicians as if they’re morons because they speak fewer words of english than you do.  for one thing, based on what i see of the general public’s facebook usage, nail techs speak english about as well as you write it, what with your apostrophes used to make plurals (“there are so many house’s for sale!”), random capitalizations (“I think we might see the Stars tonight”) and general tomfoolery (“they’re is so much cool stuff here!”).  i may eschew capital letters, but i understand their purpose.  and secondly, no matter how paltry the nail guy’s english vocabulary may be, i guarantee it’s significantly more extensive than your vietnamese.  so as long as he speaks more of your language than you speak of his, he’s actually accomplished more than you.  so let’s do away with treating him like some sort of primate, yeah?
  • you misunderstand causation and correlation.  for instance, a study came out today that shows that parents who “clean” their child’s pacifier using their own mouth have children with fewer allergies.  cut to the people in the comments carrying on about “oh, i was never allowed to have a pacifier and this is why i have such bad seasonal allergies!”  false.  for one, you just didn’t have a pacifier, not one that was sterilized every time the wind blew.  and, absent the pacifier, you still might have put all manner of vile thing in your mouth, thereby providing the same immune boost thought to be responsible for these decreased allergies.  but also.  the study finds that less likely than it being the germs on this pacifier that reduce the incidence of allergies, it’s that the parents who do this to pacifiers are similarly relaxed about other germ vectors.  these parents are less likely to purell their child’s hands, more likely to let their toddlers gnaw on their own shoes.  i once heard a co-worker argue that the reason women with advanced degrees have a lower divorce rate is because they learn negotiation and conflict resolution in graduate school.  my head almost exploded at the stupidity.  women with advanced degrees are more likely to possess a myriad of other traits–higher income, marriage at a later chronological age, more education–that make them less likely to divorce.  guh.  i feel like i should print this on a sandwich board and wear it around my office.  correlation ≠ causation.
  • you heat up fish in the office microwave.
  • you’re a man who sits on the subway with his knees approximately 19 feet apart.  sir, there is a man on the real housewives of atlanta called “ri-dick-ulous.”  he earns his living by taking off his clothes at women’s parties and swinging his wang around, windmill style.  when bravo has to put the big black bar censor over it, it looks like a digital baseball bat.  but i can promise you, even ri-dick-ulous does not need to sit in upavistha konasana to be comfortable.  all you have me thinking about, like men who drive sports cars, is how small your dong must be.  and i don’t need that on my mind at 8:30am while i try to read the new david sedaris (which has been underwhelming, if you really want to know).
  • EDITED TO INCLUDE: you’re a fan of tweety bird.
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