frustration

baby frustratedi’m about to put aside all sarcasm and other tools i use to prevent myself from being emotionally honest and say, being pregnant can seriously suck a big one sometimes.

i never thought i would actually have a pregnant glow.  i was shocked when i read that was a real thing and not just something women who have been oversold on the mystic possibilities of being a woman claimed.  i never expected a chorus of angels to follow me around, intoning gregorian chants and whatnot, as i magically transformed from a clumsy, acerbic jokester into a graceful, serene mother earth-type.  i have a degree in cultural studies–i’ve done way too much reading on the feminine mystique to ever believe in it.

but i did think that being pregnant would be a special time in my life.  i thought i would feel something change, something kind of magical, something that made me feel connected to something big and rare.  this happens so rarely in your life, if at all, and i thought it would feel like something rare, something to savor.

but i’ve felt sick for 8 weeks now, and i’m exhausted of it.  the prescription for my nausea makes it impossible to poop, which makes me feel sick in a whole different way.  the colace makes it so i can poop, but it’s incredibly difficult to calibrate a dosage that makes going to the bathroom possible but not urgent.  and then what?  should i take imodium to counteract the colace?  i’m going to end up like elvis, taking uppers to counteract the downers to counteract the diet pills…and then dead on the toilet.

if you’ve ever been sick for 8 solid weeks with no end in sight, i am so, so sorry.  i at least know that i’ll stop feeling this way in 6 months or so, and there are health situations in which you cannot say that.  but i’m also frustrated that i really believed this would stop at 12 weeks.  and here i am, 2 weeks past that, feeling tired and sick and frustrated.  i don’t want to put on regular clothes or get out of bed or eat any real food.  i want to lay in my bed with the dog in my pajamas and eat jello (ha.  that sounds like the dog would be wearing my pajamas, which, trust me, would be stinky cute).

it’s so hard feeling sick for this long, and it’s like adding insult to injury feeling like i’m missing something that was supposed to be special.  something that i had looked forward to, something that took me a long time and a lot of therapy to even get to feeling like i could do.  if the second trimester is supposed to be the golden period of pregnancy, i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do when i’m as big as a house and can’t sleep except in an ark made of pillows.

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2 thoughts on “frustration

  1. aww man. I hope you feel better soon! Although for me in hindsight there was very little of pregnancy that was “magical”. I think i convinced myself that i should be enjoying it because everyone talks about it as such a special time. The one thing I truly did enjoy was being able to feel the baby move. They say it can start at about 16 weeks but for me it was probably around 20 (that didn’t stop from me thinking i felt something a million times only to end up just having to fart). Feeling, and sometimes seeing the baby find his way around my uterus propelled me into an entirely different “where having a baby!” reality. That part was nice.

  2. thanks, sar. i’m working from home today and yesterday and it’s helped to just be able to be in my pajamas and snuggle the dog. i also had a therapy session where i kind of worked out what was going on and i’m feeling much better.

    p.s. how cute is that frustrated baby!

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