guilt punches

I’m having one of those days (weeks?) where the things i look to for inspiration just make me feel less accomplished. Like i don’t know anything. how to do anything. how to make anything. how to be even the least bit creative. Blogs, pinterest, the internet in general, just reinforce the fact that everyone seems to be able to whip up a fancy DIY project, start a business in a snap, put together the perfect outfit and braid their own hair into a fancy up do. I’m stuck in my pajamas hoping the baby will fall asleep soon so i can shower.

I could chalk it up to being a new mom, but being a mom seems to be the one thing i am good at these days. He’s hungry? I got boobs for that.  Needs a diaper change? Easy peasy. Tummy time? Check. Lather, rinse, repeat. Sure right now mothering is the most important thing for me to be good at. I know I’m lucky to have a pretty easy baby, and I really do enjoy all the time I spend with the little guy. I know these early days will fly by and one day i will miss them. I know, i know, i know.

But then there’s a part of me that feels like on the road of life i’m driving around with no destination and i’m stuck in traffic. Then my heart is punched with guilt because why isn’t this enough?  Jason comes home from work talking about how much he missed Baz during the day and i think it must be nice to be able to miss him. Just a little bit. Guilt punch number two.

I even have the best of all worlds. I work 3 days a week, and the baby comes with me to the office. It’s part-time! I get to play with my baby during the day! It doesn’t change the fact that my job is an endless series of problem solving with no answer key. And thus we circle back to those feelings of not being good at anything. call the wambulance. my diamond shoes are too tight.

I should feel like i have it all, so how come i don’t?

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